Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
