I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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