This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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