I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
