Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
