Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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