Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
