Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
