Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
