my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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