Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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