I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
