Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
