dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
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