i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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