The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You ruined the universe
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
