My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
