"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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