If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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