Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
