I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Are we still banned from the library?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
