you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
