I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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