1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
did you just send me my own nude
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
