My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
