I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
