I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
