were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My life is pants optional.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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