get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
