We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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