I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
