my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize