I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
