Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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