I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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