I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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