This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My pussy is not your playground.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
