I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
