I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think my fart just growled at me.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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