Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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