Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
