Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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