Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
