On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
