i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
