Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
