I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
