You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
