I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
we're making bets on your personal life
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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