I haven't been this sober since birth.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
