I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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