Plan B is the new Plan A
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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