Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
