You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
