OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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