Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
