I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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