Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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