omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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