I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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