im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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