Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
