i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
